Greetings all here,
I've been meaning to join this forum for quite some time, but there's nothing like trouble to kick a person into high gear now, is there? I need some help for my daughter.
My daughter is in her mid-thirties. A decade ago, she fell in love, got married, moved to the Midwest with her husband. They had two children. The marriage was not a happy one, and ultimately they split up. Not even a month after they divorced, they found out that their youngest child, my grandson, has a rare neurological disorder for which there is no treatment and no cure. This disease, which is like ALS in its effects, is 100% fatal. For the last three years, my daughter has been caring for her terminally-ill son pretty much on her own, all though my husband and I took turns flying out to help for the first 18 months ... then she got some nursing assistance. She still needs us, but not as much, and we do all we can.
Last year, she took a job during the day and met a man. I'll call him Mr. X for now, just to be polite. They worked together for about 6 months; he'd been separated from his wife for about a year, and to say that Mr. & Mrs. X were going through an acrimonious divorce would be an understatement. He had a good story for what was behind the divorce. My daughter and Mr. X started dating in September, and things moved pretty fast ... partly because, when you have a terminally-ill child, you only have nursing coverage for work and at night for sleep. there is no such thing as dating, in other words. He didn't seem fazed by my grandson's illness. I'll cut to the chase at this point ... he promised my daughter everything, that they would be a family, that he loved her, that she would never have to be lonely and afraid again, that he had her and she was all he wanted. She kept asking him ... be sure about this, because I've already been through hell. I don't need more, so please, please be sure.
I went back and met him after he moved into my daughter's house. They started house hunting together, they were talking about marriage. As soon as the ink was dry on the formal divorce, however, he changed. I am not exaggerating ... he went from warm and loving to cold and withdrawn INSTANTLY. He started looking for work out of state. My daughter kept asking him what was wrong, and Mr. X kept saying that nothing was wrong, there was nothing she had done or not done, everything was fine.
He would not make eye contact with her.
He started going to his daughter's school events and being gone for hours and hours after the events were over.
He started wiping his cell phone every night before going home. (We found out about that by accident.)
It was pretty clear he was checking out, but he would not come clean as to why.
Then, my daughter told him that while his mouth was saying one thing, his actions were saying something else, and she thought maybe he should go back to his mom's and think things over. He called to say that he didn't want to end things, but that he felt like he needed some time.
Then, he sent her a TEXT telling her that it was all over. he won't say why.
My daughter is torturing herself over this man. In her mind,she's clear that she did nothing wrong, but she can't seem to leave it alone ... did I do something, did I not do something, was I not enough, was he just not able to deal with the reality of this situation? And it gets worse. She's taking this as a referendum on how lovable SHE is, and I swear to you I flew back here because I feared my girl was suicidal. I don't think she is, but she's clearly in a lot of pain. This guy has got his hooks in her good, but refuses to even come pick up his stuff ... he doesn't do confrontation, or, evidently, even honest discussion.
I'd help her do a cut and clear, but she's not ready yet. She wants him back - or thinks she does - even though her head understands that he's proven himself to be untrustworthy, and that its no good, you can't make a relationship with someone who won't communicate or tell the truth. But she's so, so, so hurt. Is there anything I can do to help her? She's got to pull this out of her aura by the roots, it seems to me. How do I help her heal to the point where she's able to do this?
this is a lot to ask, and I'm sorry for the long post. If you've read this far, just know that I appreciate any wisdom you can offer.