Unread post
by aerias » Tue Jun 07, 2022 7:56 am
Hello,
I hope I'm adding this to the right topic, as it seemed to overlap a bit with others. I'm in a bit of a predicament and was looking for a recommendation: my partner (now ex) and I bought a nice home, though we were unmarried and created no contractual agreement if things were to go south (they did). Now we both want to keep the home we both share equally. Initially, I was going to have her buy me out since she has a young daughter, who she has 50% of the time. But even though things weren't going well, I agreed to buying the house with her since we were engaged and I had faith that we could fix things.
By that point we hadn't been intimate for more than a year (she claimed it wasn't because of me and that she was workibg on it) and was not open to talking about our problems (claiming that "talking things out doesn't work for her"). She would stay over at an office she had some hours away from home, and would gaslight me as being overbearing and jealous when I would get worried about these sleepovers. I internalized that as being my jealousy problem even though it was, I think, a reasonable response as she has a history of cheating.
During a bad fight, she even screamed at me that she was cheating on me but then backtracked it later, claiming that she was just trying to hurt me (which is almost worst, I think). It had stayed with me that she was telling me the truth then but then knew that I would leave and could not afford to live alone, at the time.
I have depression and know that I wasn't easy to live with. But I never started arguments with her, preferring to keep the peace and be tranquil (and foolishly in need of her validation and love, if you can call it that). If I was ever unpleasant, it was usually in defense of her attacks, which were always below the belt (everything I told to her in confidence would be used against me during arguments- no decorum and boundary respected). I also admitted that for some time, when angry, I would lash out and slam doors and break things, which I know wasn't great, but I would get pushed to such an edge and my boundaries (even to walk away) would so often be transgressed that I would feel like a cornered animal.
But one thing is for absolutely sure is that I NEVER and would NEVER touch her. I grew up in an abusive household and seeing how my mother was treated back then, I had vowed to never be that. And I never have, no matter how far I've been pushed. I also stopped throwing things and such, recognizing that the intimidation and retaliatory name-calling was still, in itself, a form of abuse, regardless of my abstaining from harming others. I stopped, not to perfection, but I certainly stopped and worked on myself. I felt that I needed to be better while she romanticized her emotionally irresposibility under some mytho-poetic imperative. If I wanted her to change, to work on her own baggage, I'd accused of being the arresting patriarchy. Every man has a lot to learn about the patriarchical systems and how complicit they are within it, but she would use this as a way of disregarding accountability and minimizing any of my qualms withe cruel ways she was treating me.
As to my depression, she just stopped being there for me, blaming me for wrecking our relationship with my "heavy" energy, which I worked hard to heal. In fact, my depression is such that when it comes on, I try to keep my distance and I don't lash out because I've learned to be meta-aware and cognizant about it and how it might affect others. Yet, when I would have difficult episodes of just sheer sadness (a lot of it due to knowing that our relationship was dying and that I could not communicate with her or ever have her take accountability for her actions), I would ask her for help, often prefacing it as something along the lines of: "hey, I know you can't be the only resource I have but I'm having a hard time with depression right now and could really use a friend or a hug," she would get defensive and combative, very rarely showing me empathy and nurturance, because she "wasn't my mother." Every time I would ask for something like this, she would claim that I just wanted to be with another kind of person. This would hurt me deeply, on top everything else that was already occuring, further exacerbating my depression.
She offers 2 possibilities:
Offer #1) she buys me out at the automatic home appraisal price she had just gotten wind of on the internet and says that after splitting the equity and deducting the down payment portion that I still owe her, I would be leaving with 2k. I tell her that that seems kind of low and that we should get a proper home appraisal (we have a beautiful home during this real estate climate, and a new roof and new septic tank). She gets mad and storms off because that would be me "nickel and dime-ing her." Can you believe it? It could be the difference between 2k and 40k, and I'm "splitting hairs"?!
Or offer #2, I sign over my half of the house to her and pay her rent, but that we could negotiate a low enough rent amount while I'm there. I don't feel good about this but tell her that I'll think about it. But while I'm thinking, I also ask around for that 15k, eventually finding a way to get her that amount through a friend's loan, which was an extremely rare and generous offer. I present this to her. She says no, again, even though she had suggested it. Actually, it was a hard no, even after I offered 21k. I'm shocked again. I tell her that we'll then have to get the court to sell it half and half and so no one would get it, because I wasn't sure what else to do.
So now, I'm in a position where I'd like to keep one thing for myself out of all this: the home. She has options, lied/cheated and is deeply entitled. I was faithful despite the no intimacy in over two years now and just want to stay at my home, which I can pay for with my new job, for which I have a decent and pleasant commute. I just want healing and peace in my own space.
Is there anything that I can do to make that happen outside of court and lawyers?I love hoodoo and love this site, and have followed these wonderful people and works for some time now. I'm tired of being taken advantage of and tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve for someone I just wanted to love and make a home with. Thank you all for your time and consideration.
, so I suppose there is something wrong with it after-all...) He first rented this place 9 years ago and it's a rent controlled apartment so he's paying a very small (comparatively 
) amount of money for a huge San Francisco flat. He's a very wealthy guy, but he's also a penny pincher. He can't bare the thought of giving up such a "great" place at such a low price just to pay 2-3x the amount to live somewhere else...possibly smaller in size.
